What to look for in a marriage partner

What to look for in a marriage partner

Your choice of spouse will almost certainly be one of the biggest decisions that you will have to make; a decision that you make for life, indeed for eternity. Therefore, much care and consideration is needed.

In this article, you will find guidance on what to look for in a marriage partner, what you should find out about a prospective marriage partner and general advice on ensuring that you make the right decision.

First of all, ask yourself what qualities you would like to find in a wife and keep these in mind throughout your search. Be clear about what Islam has to say about the most important traits to look for and beware that focusing on the wrong characteristics can only lead to unhappiness.

Remember that your search must be halaal and follow the teachings of the Qur’an and Sunnah. Do this and you will receive Allah’s blessing. Ask Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala سبحانه و تعالى) for guidance, for He rewards those who put their trust in Him.

Good Islamic character

Most importantly, you should seek someone of good Islamic character to become your spouse, someone of high moral and religious standards. The Prophet (ṣall Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam صلى الله عليه وسلم‎) said: “A woman is normally sought as a wife for her wealth, her beauty, her nobility or her deen, so choose a religious woman and you will prosper.” [Muslim]

The importance of piety also applies to the groom: “If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied comes to you, marry to him.  If you do not do so, there will be trials in the earth and a great deal of evil.”  [At-Tirmidhi]

This hadith encourages a woman’s Wali to place piety above all other traits in a potential husband.

Only a spouse who practises Islam and fulfils the wajib will provide a strong foundation for an Islamic house hold and a religious family. However, outward signs of piety are not enough – simply wearinghijab, attending the masjid, or having a beard do not ensure that he or she will be a good marriage partner. This is just part of the overall package.

Although it is of lesser importance, beauty can also be a consideration. It can provide a strong attraction between partners in a marriage. Our faith allows a prospective husband one look at his prospective wife. It is recommended that this takes places once a marriage proposal has been intended. He is allowed to take a good look, rather than averting his eyes after the first glance. However, the sister must be covered except for her face and hands. She is also permitted to look at her prospective husband.

Mahram

When looking for a partner, remember that you cannot marry:

• Someone who is mahram to you (unmarriageable kin). This includes family lineage (qarabah), foster relationships (radha’a) and relationships through marriage (sihriyya);
• someone who is already married;
• someone in her iddah;
•  a woman that another Muslim has asked in marriage unless she has already refused him;
• a disbeliever ( with exception of Jewish or Christian women), although it is haram for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man;
• a prostitute, unless she has repented her sins.

Practical advice

You will need to find out as much as possible about your prospective partner in order to ensure compatibility. In these days of high divorce rates, seeing a potential partner just once or twice in the company of others is not enough to enable brothers or sisters to decide whether they will be content to spend their lives with this person.

If possible, try to spend some time with your potential partner (this could be by phone or email) without breaching Islam’s restrictions on being alone together, and ideally where you are free from the pressures of others who may want this marriage to take place and who may, therefore, influence your decision.

Talk to others about your potential partner and listen to what they have to say. Do their answers to specific questions match what he or she has told you? Seeing how he or she speaks to and treats others will tell you a lot about him or her. Ensure that you feel good about the partnership. Above all, don’t be pressured into a marriage - after all, it is you who will be spending your life with this person, not yourWali or your parents.

Regularly pray Salaah al-Istikhara, Islam’s special prayer for guidance, and seek advice from Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala سبحانه و تعالى). “Put your trust in Allah, for Allah loves those who put their trust in Him.”[Qur’an s.3; v.159]

What to ask a prospective spouse

There will be many questions, covering a range of topics, which you will want to ask a potential partner. You will find a summary below of issues you may want to cover. However, this is by no means exhaustive and you should prepare more questions based on your own circumstances. You may feel that some of the questions seem “unIslamic”, yet they reflect the society in which we live today.

Important themes:

• Marriage in general 
  Why do they want to marry now? What are they looking for in a spouse? If they are from abroad, why do they want to marry someone from this country? Do you speak the same language?
• Family
  Do they enjoy good relationships with their parents, brothers and sisters? What obligations do they have towards them? Do the parents give their blessing? It is also worth asking about extended family to gain a more rounded picture.
• Deen
  Is their understanding of Islam compatible with yours? How many times a day do they pray? Are they involved in the Islamic community? How are you expected to practise after marriage? What is their attitude to fasting,  Zakat, or Umrah?
• Education and achievements
  What school did they attend? What subjects did they enjoy/not enjoy? What success did they have? Have they been to university or do they intend to study further? Did you reach a similar level of education?
• Work
  What is their profession? How many hours a week do they spend working? How much time will you be able to spend together? What is their attitude towards wives working?
• Hobbies and interests/social life
  Do they attend any clubs or take part in any events? Do you share any common interests? Would your spouse be happy for you to continue with your hobbies? Do they have non-Muslim friends?
• Where will you live?
  With your or their family? Alone? Will you need to move around the country or to a new country? What sort of home will you have?
• Financial issues
  Are they financially independent?
• Children
  Do they want children? If so, when and how many? What would happen if you were unable to have children? Who will take responsibility for child-rearing and discipline?
• How do you plan to resolve any differences between you?
• FutureWhat are their goals and ambitions? How do they expect to live their life?

General advice

The above advice should enable you to build a picture of the person that you are considering marrying. However, do not rush things. Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala سبحانه و تعالى) has given you an inner voice. Listen to it and let it guide you in your decision-making. Does it feel right? Remember that marriage is for life and for the establishment of a family. Above all, put your faith in Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taalaسبحانه و تعالى) and you will be rewarded.

Repenting in Ramadhan

Repenting to Allah

Telling Allah about your situation

A mention of the mercy of thy Lord unto His servant Zakhariyyah—when he cried unto his Lord a cry in secret, saying, “My Lord! Lo! The bones of me wax feeble and my head is shining with grey hair, and I have never been unblest in prayer to Thee, my Lord. Lo! I fear my kinsfolk after me, since my wife is barren. Oh, give me from Thy presence a successor who shall inherit of me and inhereit of the house of Jacob. And make him, my Lord, acceptable (unto Thee).” (Maryam:2-6)

Al-Yaqeen and full awareness (“presence of the heart”)

The Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.) said, “Ask Allah with certainty that He will answer your prayers, and know that Allah will not accept the supplication from an absent heart.” (hasan, at-Tirmidhi)

Asking Allah three times

“If you ask Allah for the jannah three times, the jannah will say, ‘O Allah, make him enter jannah.’ And if you ask Allah to protect you from hellfire three times, hellfire will say, ‘O Allah, protect him from the hellfire.’”

NB. Not every supplication should be performed thrice.

Having patience

Man prayeth for evil as he prayeth for good. [Isra:11]

Abu Hurayrah reported that the Prophet (s.A.w.s.) said, “The person’s supplication will be answered unless he asks for sin or severing the ties of kinship, except if the person is hasty.” Then the Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.) was asked about hastiness. So the Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.) described it as, “The person says, ‘I asked, and I have not seen the answer.’ Then he leaves dua.” (Sahih Muslim)

NB. It is not considered haste in dua to ask for a speedy answer.

Asking with persistence (Al-Ilhah ala Allah)

The Prophet (s.A.w.s.) said, “When you ask Allah, ask with confidence.”

Some of the early Muslims used to say that the suppliant should be like a child when you ask Allah, crying until you are answered.

Asking in secret

An example of this lies in the dua of Zakariyyah,

“A mention of the mercy of thy Lord unto His servant Zakhariyyah—when he cried unto his Lord a cry in secret.” (19:2)

Benefits of this secrecy include sincerity and belief in Allah’s attributes (Hearing, Seeing, Closeness).

Mentioning the result you expect from the fulfillment of the du’a

As in the surah,

“(Moses) said: My Lord! Relieve my mind and ease my task for me; and loose a knot from my tongue, that they may understand my saying. Appoint for me a henchman from my folk, Aaron, my brother. Confirm my strength with him. And let him share my task, that we may glorify Thee much, and much remember Thee. Lo! Thou art ever Seeing us.” [Ta Ha:29-34]

Omitting details in the actual request

Such as in the ayah,

“Our Lord, give us good in this world, good in the hereafter, and save us from the punishment of the fire.” (2:201)

Aisha narrated that the Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.) used to like comprehensive supplications, and he would leave others. (Sahih, Abu Dawud)

One of the Sahaba saw his child asking, “O Allah, give me the right palace on the right side of jannah.” So he told his child, “Do not do that. Rather, ask Allah to enter you into jannah and to protect you from the fire.”

Tahaarah

It is better to have wudu when making dua.

Facing the qiblah

The Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.), when he climbed the Saffa and the Marwa, he would face the qiblah and make du’a.

To ask Allah by His names and attributes

Allah’s are the fairest names. Invoke Him by them. (7:180)

Raising the hands

Salman narrated from the Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.), “Surely Allah is Hayyee, and He loves to conceal the shortcomings of His servants. If His servant raises his hands, He does not let him go empty handed.”

NB. It is inappropriate to raise the hands in certain occasions of dua (i.e. during Friday khutbas) and sunnah upon other occasions (i.e. the dua for rain).

Not consuming Haram

On the authority of Abu Hurairah, The Messenger of Allah said,

“Allah the Almighty is good and accepts only that which is good. Allah has commanded the faithful to do that which he commanded the messengers, and the Almighty has said: ‘O ye messengers! Eat of the good things and do right.’ And Allah the Almighty has said, ‘O ye who believe! Eat of the good things wherewith We have provided you.’”

Then he (s.A.a.w.s.) mentioned [the case of] a man who, having journeyed far, is disheveled and dusty and who spreads out his hands to the sky [saying] : "O Lord! O Lord!" Meanwhile, his (the traveler’s) food is unlawful, his drink unlawful, his clothing unlawful, and he is nourished unlawfully; so how can he be answered!

(Related by Muslim)

Thinking well of Allah (Husnu thun bi’llah)

When the wife of Imran said, “My Lord! I have vowed unto Thee that which is in my belly as a consecrated (offering). Accept it from me, Lo! Thou, only Thou, art the Hearer, the Knower!” (3:38)

And your Lord hath said: Pray unto Me and I will hear your prayer. Lo! Those who scorn My service, they will enter hell, disgraced. (40:60)

An unto Thamud their brother Salih. He said, “O my people! Serve Allah, ye have no other God save Him. He brought you forth from the earth and hath made you husband it. So ask forgiveness of Him and turn unto Him repentant. Lo, my Lord is Nigh, Responsive. (11:61)

Hadith Qudsi: “I am as my servants thinks of me, and I am with him whenever he mentions me.”

Asking Allah by one’s good deeds

Bukhari and Muslim relate the hadith of the Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.) of the story of three men, who each supplicated to Allah by a good deed they had done earlier in their lives. As the story goes, “Three persons of a people before you were on a journey when they were overtaken by a storm and therefore they took shelter in a cave. A rock slipped down from the mountain and blocked the exit from the cave. One of them said, ‘The only way for deliverance left is to beseech Allah in the name of some virtuous deed.’” One of the men mentioned a good deed which they had done for Allah, and supplicated, “O Lord, if I did this thing seeking only Thy pleasure, then do Thou relieve us of the distress wrought upon us by this rock.” The rock moved, but not enough to free the men. So, the other two made similar supplications by their good deeds until the rock moved enough to free them.

Asking Allah in times of ease

The Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.) said, “Whoever is pleased that Allah answers his prayers during hardships and difficulties, let him make much supplication in times of ease.” (Hasan, at-Tirmidhi)

Choosing favored places.

For example, the Saffa and Marwa in Mecca are favored places, since the Prophet (sA.a.w.s.) made dua there.

Choosing favored times

The last third of the night is a favored time because Allah descends to the lowest heaven in that time and says, “Is there anyone asking for something so that I may grant him.”

Another favored time is between the adhan and iqamah, as the Prophet (sA.a.w.s.) told Anas, “Supplication between adhan and iqamah will never be rejected. So call upon Allah at that time.” (Authentic, Ibn Khuzaimah).

Another favored time is in sujud, as the Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.) said, “The servant is closest to his Lord while in sujud, so ask Allah in that time.”

Friday is also a preferred, especially in the last hour before maghrib.

Also, while the roosters crow, since the Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.) said, “When you hear the crowing of the rooster ask Allah from His favors because it saw an angel. And if you hear the braying of a donkey, seek refuge with Allah because it saw a devil.”

Since the Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.) said, “Two supplications will not be rejected: the supplication during adhan and under rain,” (hasan) then these two times are preferred for dua.

Supplication on Laylat’ul-Qadr, since it is a blessed and honored time. Aisha asked the Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.) “What should I say on Laylat’il-qadr?” And he replied, “O Allah, indeed you are a Pardoner, and you love pardon; so pardon me.”

Umm Salamah said, the Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.) entered when Abu Salamah was dying and he was looking at the heaven. So the Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.) closed his eyes and said, “When the soul is being seized, the eyes follow it.” Then some people from his relatives panicked. The Prophet (s.A.a.w.s) said, “Do not make du’a except for good. Indeed the angels will say, ‘Ameen’ for whatever you say. O Allah, fogive Abu Salamah, and raise his rank, and forgive us and forgive him, O Lord of the Universe, and expand his grave and illuminate it.”

Always remembering whom you are asking

You are asking Allah, Who loves to be asked, Who does not tire of suppliants, and He is Closest to you.

Ramadan guide for Single Muslims

For most Muslims, Ramadan is family time. You get up together, eat Iftar together, pray together, etc. But what if you don't have your family near you?

Waking up in a lonely apartment and eating food you've sometimes burnt in an effort to catch Suhur in time are some of the realities of being a single Muslim in Ramadan. But there are ways to make Ramadan special when you're on your own. Here are a couple of ideas. Please feel free to post yours at the bottom of this article.

1. Establish a Suhur telephone tree

Get a couple of friends together and establish a telephone tree to wake each other up for Suhur. Establish a time to call and a schedule of who will call whom. Make it a little exciting by adding some funny phrases every week that will really wake everyone up (e.g. "ASSALAMU ALIAKUM" This is the Suhur Sister/Bellowing Brother calling. Rise and shine y'all for some morning grubÓ).

2. Invite people over for Iftar

Even if even you couldn't eat the food the last time you cooked, invite people over for Iftar. Make it a potluck, order pizza or if you can afford it, get it catered. The food isn't the thing. The blessing is in the company, and you'll be rewarded for feeding everyone. Make sure to especially invite those who are away from their families.

3. Attend prayers at the local mosque/MSA

Even if the Imam's recitation isn't the best and the behavior of other Muslims can be more than annoying, try to attend Tarawih prayers organized by your local mosque or your Muslim Students' Association (MSA). While praying alone in peace and quiet is great, praying shoulder-to-shoulder with other Muslims with whom you have nothing in common except your faith is a unique and uplifting experience.

4. Get involved in community programs

It may seem hard to squeeze in time for anything else in Ramadan, but try, at least once, to do some volunteer work. Cook a meal for those who attend the MSA Iftar; volunteer for a day at a soup kitchen; help make or distribute flyers for a Ramadan program; make Ramadan Mubarak loot bags of candy for the kids at your local mosque. The possibilities are numerous. The point is to give to others so you can get back what's priceless.

5. Keep the Quran playing when you are alone at home

It's often tempting to keep the TV or radio on when we're alone at home to avoid the silence. This Ramadan, find a CD or cassette of a Quran reciter you like and play it during those moments when you want to fill your place with some sound. Choose selections you'd like to memorize, like the 30th part of the Quran.

6. Eat properly- don't resort to burnt toast and egg

Not eating Suhur and Iftar properly will make you crabby, irritated and sick (as opposed to healthy, wealthy and wise). Establish a personal Ramadan meal plan. Choose healthy, easy-to-make recipes so you're not scrambling at the last minute for something to eat.

7. Keep in touch with family and friends back home

Send Ramadan e-cards, thoughts, reflections, questions, etc. via phone or email to family and friends. Keep in contact at least once a week and share three Ramadan-related things you've done in the last ten days of Ramadan.

8. Take care of others

Know a new person at the school/office? Is a friend who lives nearby having problems with their spouse? Or is someone you know having money problems? This Ramadan, reach out with an attentive ear, a generous hand, and most importantly, an open heart to others. Don't let these small opportunities for gaining blessings slip you by.

9. Decorate your crib

Add some festivity to your spare surroundings by dressing the place up with a Ramadan banner, balloons and streamers. Even after a rough day, coming home to a decorated home is a boost to the spirits.

10. Pick and pursue Ramadan goals

Choose at least three goals to pursue this Ramadan. Whether it's curbing a bad habit or starting a good one, doing this will help you focus and work harder this month to change for the better. It takes 21 days to establish a good habit. With Ramadan, we've got 30. Why not make the best of it by picking up the good?

The Relationship Between Supplication and Ramadhan

Yousuf Jaafar Idris
Reprinted from Islaam.com


Making dua is a part of the month of Ramadhan. The connection between the noble practice of supplicating to Allah and the honored month of Ramadhan is shown in the following ways.

The ayah of supplication is preceded and followed by ayaat of fasting (2:183-187).

183. O ye who believe! Fasting is prescribed to you as it was prescribed to those before you, that ye may (learn) self-restraint,-

184. (Fasting) for a fixed number of days; but if any of you is ill, or on a journey, the prescribed number (Should be made up) from days later. For those who can do it (With hardship), is a ransom, the feeding of one that is indigent. But he that will give more, of his own free will,- it is better for him. And it is better for you that ye fast, if ye only knew.

185. Ramadhan is the (month) in which was sent down the Qur'an, as a guide to mankind, also clear (Signs) for guidance and judgment (Between right and wrong). So every one of you who is present (at his home) during that month should spend it in fasting, but if any one is ill, or on a journey, the prescribed period (Should be made up) by days later. Allah intends every facility for you; He does not want to put to difficulties. (He wants you) to complete the prescribed period, and to glorify Him in that He has guided you; and perchance ye shall be grateful.

186. When My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calleth on Me: Let them also, with a will, Listen to My call, and believe in Me: That they may walk in the right way.

187. Permitted to you, on the night of the fasts, is the approach to your wives. They are your garments and ye are their garments. Allah knoweth what ye used to do secretly among yourselves; but He turned to you and forgave you; so now associate with them, and seek what Allah Hath ordained for you, and eat and drink, until the white thread of dawn appear to you distinct from its black thread; then complete your fast Till the night appears; but do not associate with your wives while ye are in retreat in the mosques. Those are Limits (set by) Allah. Approach not nigh thereto. Thus doth Allah make clear His Signs to men: that they may learn self-restraint.

The Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.) said that the du’a of the fasting one is accepted.

“Indeed for the fasting person, when he brakes his fast, is a supplication that will never be rejected.”

“Three people’s supplication will not be rejected: a just ruler, a fasting person until he brakes his fast, and an oppressed person.”

It is encouraged to make du’a in laylat’ul-qadr.

Aisha asked the Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.) “What should I say on Laylat’il-qadr?” And he replied, “O Allah, indeed you are a Pardoner, and you love pardon; so pardon me.”

The Prophet (s.A.w.s.) supplicated all night before the battle of badr, which occurred during Ramadhan.

Manners of Supplication
Asking Allah alone

Do not make dua to anyone alongside Allah. (70:18)

Say (O Muhammad): I make dua unto Allah only, and I ascribe unto Him no partner. (70:20)

The Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.) said, “Dua is worship.” Making dua is an act of worship; and directing one’s worship to other than Allah alone is major shirk, a sin which nullifies the person’s islam altogether.

Praising Allah at the beginning of the dua

The primary example of praising Allah before beseeching Him-subhanahu wa ta’ala- is in Surah al-Fatiha,

All praise is to Allah, Lord of the Worlds

The Beneficent, The Merciful,

Owner of the Day of Judgement

You alone we worship

And You alone we ask for help

Guide us on the straight path,

The path of those You favored,

Not of the on whom is wrath, nor the astray.

The Prophet was sitting in a masjid and a man came, and prayed, “O Allah, forgive me and have mercy on me.” So the Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.) told him, “You were hasty. When you pray, praise Allah and send the salah on me, then ask Allah.” Another man came and he praised Allah and he sent the salah on the Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.); so he (s.A..a.w.s.) said, “O suppliant, ask Allah and your prayer will be answered.” (Narrated by at-Tirmidhi)

Sending the salah on the Prophet (s.A.a.w.s.)

“Every supplication will be denied until the suppliant prays upon the Prophet.” (hasan) NB. Not every dua should contain the salah upon the Prophet. In fact, he (s.A.a.w.s.) instructed his companions with several dua without the salah upon him (such as the dua of istikhara).

O You Who Are About to Marry, Any Last Words? Any First Words? p.2

Specific topics and questions to consider — an outline to build on:

Air and Water
–What are the roles of a husband?
–What are the roles of a wife?

This is a separate category because no other topic was so identified in research by Muslims and non-Muslims as a cause of divorce. Huh? Divorce? Yes, couples that have completely different ideas about these roles, and lacked the ability to concede or compromise — they often end their marriages.

“Air and Water” are essential for life, but we hardly ever have to talk about them. You might have additional topics that are “air and water” for you, but these two are different: they will affect everything else. If you are honest with each other now about your expectations, and if you can both breathe easily (accommodate each other), then later on, bi’idhnillah, you will only talk about these roles when you need to clear the air or get through murky waters. You can start the conversation in the abstract, what is the role of “a” husband and “a” wife, but you’re talking about each other.

Bread and Butter
–Finances including expectations of income and spending, who will work, what kind of work/income you would seek or refuse.
–Kids including how many and when, and how to raise them.
–Parents (ie., your kids’ grandparents, bi’idhnillah), other family, friends, socializing.
–Living arrangements including with or without parents and city/neighborhood and expectations of how big and how much.

Unlike “air and water” you can have as many bread and butter topics as you want. All of these things are important, and they may become the subject of arguments in a marriage if you do not discuss your expectations before marriage. But one thing that makes this category different from the others is that all the items are material or external in some fashion. Numbers, sizes, other people, stuff: how much of it do you want, by when, where, and does it even matter to you — assuming the other person has the same answers as you would be a mistake.

Veiled Gems

If you pay close attention to the discussions you and your potential spouse have during bread and butter topics, you will not only address each other’s expectations, bi ‘idhnillah, but also learn a lot about each other’s character.

For the same reason have conversations about goals and accomplishments, past and future — find out how each of you defines an accomplishment. See how much your goals, expectations, and priorities match with each other.

Have conversations about people in need — to find out whether the person cares about others or is more self-interested. Also to find out whether the person really listens to you, or is just waiting for his/her turn to speak. Finally, remember that marriage will have challenges, too, and these conversations will help you figure out whether you are talking to someone that you can rely on if times are tough. Or naudhobillah, someone who would run at the first sign of trouble.

Note: see “poison pills.” When it comes to any conversation, but especially for a veiled gem, you are not digging for faults, but searching for genuine understanding. Allah is ar Rahman nir Raheem — you can be forgiving and merciful to each other without being judgmental, while thinking seriously about your compatibility.

Poison Pills

Anything at all about which you yourself do not care while you speak. Even a noble subject, if you talk about it when you do not care what you or the other person are saying could become ghafla. There is also the disastrous possibility that the other person will see you do not care about the conversation and believe you do not care about them — (perhaps) mistaking your attitude.

Immodest conversations in general. Imagine the two of you were sitting in a room with the woman’s father, and the man’s mother. if you think the topic would cause the mother to look away or the father to pull out a sword, then you’re probably thinking of a topic that should not be discussed. Maybe the problem is only that immodest words are being used to discuss a topic that is permissible for you — so exercise good judgment.

What happened to deen?
Fasabrun jameelun.

The Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam praised the quality of deen in a future spouse above wealth, beauty, family, and nobility.

Yet, you should realize that finding a religious person is not enough. You should have other things in common before marriage. Do look for a religious spouse, and choose one who is more compatible with you.

And a word of wisdom from past TDCs spoken by multiple shuyukh and advocates: when you search for a religious spouse, ask yourself if she would be happy with your religiosity, too! As Shaykh Yaser puts it, “Would you marry you?” — in this context would you be satisfied with a spouse who was only as religious as you?

Specific sources used in developing this handout: Fiqh of Love and Practimate.com (with Shaykh Yaser Birjas), 10 Conversations You Must Have Before Marriage by Dr. Guy Grenier, 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married by Monica Mendez Leahy, Article posted in the Al Maghrib forums by Rabbi Mordecai Rottman, MA, “Four things to look for in a spouse.”

from muslimmatters.org

O You Who Are About to Marry, Any Last Words? Any First Words? p.1

written by abu abdAllah Tariq Ahmed

It was my pleasure to write this article at the request of Shaykh Waleed Basyouni for distribution to students in his upcoming course, Fiqh of Love, which will be taught in mid-May in Toronto, ON (sold out online, but there may be availability onsite). In addition to reviewing the article before publication, he graciously suggested that it be shared here with all of you, too. May Allah increase in ‘ilm and hiqmah Shaykh Waleed and others of His slaves who contributed, and may He overlook the faults of this piece and its author, and may He be pleased with all of us who seek His Pleasure in our marriages and married lives.

Bismillah walhamdolillah.

Allah Created. And among His unique qualities is that He Creates without precedent.

Before Allah Decreed it, there had never been a “pair” of anything. What He made could never have been imagined by any of His Creations, and what He Created was something wonderful, walhamdolillah.

He has described the husband and wife as garments for each other. Think about that — if you are unmarried something about you is fundamentally incomplete.

Allah has decreed that man and woman each has free choice. So how will you choose to complete the pair?

When you shop for your spouse, what will you look for, who will you ask, and what questions or discussions will follow? Length? Width? Color? Perhaps.

The sunnah in Islam is to find out the information that will cause you to know whether to propose to someone or accept that person’s proposal. And when you have what you need to know, then you should proceed with the proposal or else stop.

This differentiates Islamic practice from other courtship rules in as much as other rules would permit courting as entertainment, ie, dating.

If you want to take your spouse on a date, bismillah. If you want to go on a date with someone to whom you are not married, beware the evil into which shaytan would lead you.

The same discretion should enter your questions and conversations before marriage. It is perfectly reasonable to have conversations whose only purpose is to establish that you two can have an easygoing and light conversation.

Yet too many open-ended conversations might lead to affections developing, and at that point many commentators have pointed out that people’s brains switch off: at that point they see only good in the other person. One writer even said that the person in love is as unreasonable as a drunk person.

Indeed Allah does not hold us accountable for our feelings: just as the pen is lifted for the intoxicated person — but the person who is intoxicated now may find tremendous punishment for his actions while he was sober: when he had the aql to avoid drink. And in the same way, Allah may hold us to account for indiscretions committed before we fell (intoxicated) in love — blameworthy actions that led us to a state of love, actions committed when we still had the aql to avoid them.

At the same time, how the other person makes you feel is important. Indeed when the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam found out from Jaabir that Jaabir had selected a woman to marry, the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam did not first ask Jaabir if she were a pious woman. He asked if Jaabir had seen her, looked upon her. And he advised doing so until Jaabir saw what would cause him to marry. Implying that it would have been possible he might not see it, and thus might not marry. And Allah’s Decree was that he saw, and they did marry, alhamdolillah.

So we know looking is allowed and that implies that other investigation is, too, because when you observe a person you do not see them posed or on a runway, naudhobillah, like clothes in the store. You see them in life, and you observe their interactions so inquiries into those are like what you would see, permissible at least as to what could be seen.

With so many warnings in mind, you may imagine that the only conversations and questions should be about deen: “How many verses have you memorized and of how many of them have you studied the tafseer?” “What are your favorite adhkaar — in salaat — before the basmallah?” “Do you read Muslim more often, or Bukhari?”

Those questions are… odd. Let’s face it — if you are starting out with conversations like those… Who are you marrying? Your shaykh? Shaykh Waleed is already married, folks.

So which questions then should come first? Indeed, Imam Ahmed, RahimAllah, advised that questions about deen should be the very last ones a person asks. Why? For a beautiful reason: good deen beautifies a person and it is better to reject a physically beautiful woman for her ugly deen, than to reject a woman whose deen is beautiful to you for any other reason.

This principle is so strong that it may help explain why the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam re-married the daughter of Omar, Umm al Mumineen Hafsa, radi Allaho anhumaa. Jibreel alayhis salam conversed with the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam about her taqwa and ibadat after their initial divorce, and it was some time after that conversation that they remarried, alhamdolillah.

Interestingly, from the sunnah, there is also the case of Umm Salamah, also Umm al Mumineen, walhamdolillah. She was widowed and had children from her marriage. And after her iddah the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam came to her to propose marriage. And clearly no one had more beautiful deen than him, sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam.

And yet, knowing that, she was prepared to reject him — not for his qualities, subhanAllah, but for her own issues that needed reconciliation. Her children — that they should have a father who loves them. Her age — that she avoid a situation whereby her husband find her at all lacking. And her jealousy of other women — including the other wives of the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam.

And mashaAllah, this case shows us one of the keys to a successful courtship — indeed a successful courtship by the way, is one that ends in a marriage that pleases Allah. The nikah is just one moment, the exchange of a few words. And what follows the nikah is much more than just one night.

Keep that in mind: the success was more likely to come in marriage because the qualities the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam showed in his responses to her were qualities of a successful husband. Her children he promised would be just like his own to him. As for age he compared theirs as reassurance to her. And he prayed to Allah for an easing of her jealousy, walhamdolillah.

Three beautiful qualities (at least) are easy to see in the responses: accommodation, empathy, dua/taqwa/tawakkol. Okay i squeezed three qualities in there for the last example, but alhamdolillah alaa kulli haal, it is difficult to pick only a few traits from his example.

We know that Umm Salamah was a perceptive and intelligent woman — witness her advice to the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam at Hudaybiyyah. Thus she must have seen in his answers what she needed to know to accept his proposal, alhamdolillah. And indeed it was a successful marriage.

Before embarking on advice about specific questions or conversations you could have when looking for your wife or husband, reflect again on the example of Umm Salamah’s proposal and what followed: how could she have asked such good questions? She was aware of her own needs. And she knew the difference between her needs, and her wishes.

A Messenger of Allah for a husband? A wish. Her questions reflect that she knew, too, her needs. And you should, too, before you propose or respond to a proposal, wAllaho’Alim.

Otherwise, if you merely read to each other from a list of questions or conversation-topics — at best you are throwing darts in the dark wondering if you will hit something that yells out in surprise. And at worst you are ignoring the concerns that should be addressed.

6 Etiquettes of Seeking a Spouse: An Islamic Perspective

Muslim conferences and conventions (like the one being held by the Islamic Society of North America & Muslim American Society) are just one of the many places Muslims in North America often meet potential spouses either to make a decision or to initiate the marriage communication process.

Other places include fundraising dinners, regional seminars, lectures, at the home of a relative or friend, and the local mosque.

Sadly though, Islamic guidelines pertaining to proper conduct between the sexes are not always respected at these meetings.

It is not uncommon to see or hear about potential candidates meeting in private, brothers and sisters “scoping the territory” for a spouse that looks good at Muslim events like conferences or lectures, or starting up a flirtatious conversation with someone they are interested in. None of these things fall within the guidelines of Islam.

Below are some Islamic principles,both general and specific, to consider if you will be be meeting or seeking a potential spouse for yourself or someone else at a conference, lecture, the mosque or another event:

1. Ask yourself: Why am I getting married.

‘Because all of my friends are' is not a legitimate reason. This is a good question to ask even if you are meeting the person to make a final decision because it will be a reminder about the real purpose of marriage from an Islamic perspective.

Marriage, from an Islamic perspective, is part of faith and it is part of the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (saww).

As well, “my intention should be I am looking for someone with whom I will build a family,” says Muhammad Nur Abdullah of St. Louis, Missouri, a member of the North American Fiqh Council. He has conducted pre-marriage counseling in the U.S. for the last 20 years.

“Marriage is a commitment and relationship that starts in this Dunya (world) and will continue Insha Allah in Paradise together,” he adds.

2. Ask yourself: what am I looking for in a spouse.

Prophet Muhammad (saww) said: “Men choose women for four reasons: for their money, for their rank, for their beauty and for their religion, but marry one who is religious and you will succeed”.

This of course, applies to women as well.

However, religion it seems, is not always foremost in the minds of many people. In fact, it's probably the last factor on too many Muslims' list.

According to Tasneem Qadeer, one of the seven volunteers who runs the Islamic Society of North America's matrimonial service, being a doctor or a lawyer is much more important to many Muslim women than piety.

And the men are not any better. Many matrimonial advertisements for instance, demonstrate a key demand for a wife who is “fair, slim and beautiful”.

“If we want to have healthy Muslim families then Deen has to be first,” says Aneesah Nadir, Director of Social Services for the Arizona Muslim Family Health and Social Services in Tempe.

She is one of the co-developers of the program “Marriage the Islamic way”, which teaches various aspects of marriage such as how to find a spouse, the wedding and the post-wedding marriage relationship with your spouse.

3. If you're looking for a spouse lower your gaze.

This may seem like a contradiction, but it's not. Looking for a spouse who has the right qualities and whom you are physically attracted to does not mean throwing out the obligation to lower the gaze for both sexes and leering or ogling the person.

“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. That is purer for them. Lo! Allah is aware of what they do” (Quran 24:30).

“And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms...” (Quran 24:31).

“Scoping the territory”, from this perspective, would not be Islamically acceptable.

However, for the purpose of marriage looking at a potential mate is permissible (definitely with limits) according to the Hadith:

Narrated Jabir ibn Abdullah: The Prophet (saww) said: “When one of you asked a woman in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so. ...”.

This means the two potential spouses can look at each other but not ogle or stare.

There is certainly limit on the number of times the two people can look at each other, and both should fear Allah and remember the purpose of this is to build an Islamic family.

It is not permissible for a man to see a potential wife without Hijab, since he is not her Mahram (a relative with whom marriage is not possible, or legally her husband); seeing her face and hands are enough to determine attraction, although some scholars allow to see the hair as well.

4. Get someone to help

Marriage is not something to throw yourself into all by yourself. Getting the help of someone, especially parents, relatives, an Imam, and/or respected and trustworthy members of the Muslim community to either look for the right spouse and initiate and participate in a communication process is very important.

In fact, even some non-Muslims have come to see this as a more viable way of meeting someone instead of getting involved in the disappointing dating game or picking someone up in a nightclub or bar.

Involving others, by the way, does not mean signing over your right to say yes or no to a marriage proposal. It simply increases the likelihood of finding out important information about a prospective partner in a way that maintains rules of Islamic modesty (i.e. not meeting alone, see next point).

Getting that third party involved also helps verify if the person you are interested in is decent, honest and respectful. This person(s) often checks out references, asks about the individual's character and behavior, and looks out for your best interest in general.

This person should be a trustworthy Muslim, since you are seeking a Muslim in marriage, and would want someone familiar with the Islamic way of doing things.

For those blessed with Muslim parents, remember that they are probably your best allies and helpers in seeking the right husband or wife. They have known you all of your life, and have your best interest at heart.

However, parents must be open and attentive to what their children are looking for, and never forget the element of choice. Ultimately, it is their son or daughter who is going to make the final decision. They must never become too pushy or aggressive, whether this pressure is being applied on their own son or daughter, or on the person s/he is interested in.

If parents, other family members, an elderly figure or members of the community are not available, you can also try seeking a husband or wife through the matrimonial services offered by a number of different Muslim organizations.

Always ask for references

This is also where your “third party” comes in handy. Not only will they be able to be your reference. They can also check out a prospective mate's references.

A reference can include an elder who knows the brother who proposed to you, a sister who knows the woman you may want to marry well, a family friend, a boss, a co-worker, and/or business partner.

A note about honesty and references: the people you ask may know something not very nice about your prospective spouse. Remind them that if they reveal this information, they would not be backbiting from the Islamic perspective. In fact, in the case of seeking marriage, complete information should be given about an individual, both good and bad.

The advice of one of the Scholar, can help in this regard:

A man came to a Scholar and spoke in praise of another. The Scholar asked him: “Are you his nearest neighbor such that you know his goings and his comings?”

“No.”

“Have you been his companion on a journey so that you could see evidence of his good character?”

“No.”

“Have you had dealings with him involving dinars and dirhams [money] which would indicate the piety of the man?”

“No.”

“I think you saw him standing in the mosque muttering the Quran and moving his head up and down?”

“Yes.”

“Go, for you do not know him...”

And to the man in question, the Scholar said, “Go and bring me someone who knows you.”

This gives you three types of people you can ask about a prospective mate's character: a neighbor, business colleague or someone who has traveled with them.

5. When you meet, don't be alone

Rasulullah (saww) said: “Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Shaytan makes a third”.

Also, Ibn Abbas related that Rasulullah (saww) said: “Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative within the prohibited degrees”.

Meeting alone, in the hotel room of one or the other potential spouse for example, is forbidden. The two cannot be in a situation where no one else can see or hear them.

Instead, a discreet, chaperoned meeting should be set up. The chaperone, while allowing the two to talk, is in the same room, for example.

As well, parents or guardians should set a time limit, recommends Winnipeg-based social worker Shahina Siddiqui. A whole day, for example, is too long for this kind of a meeting.

6. When you speak, be businesslike and to the point.

The purpose of meeting and talking to each other must also remain within Islamic guidelines. That means no flirtatious speech of a sexual nature on either side.

Some of the topics discussed can include each other's interests, financial situation of the man, who is Islamically responsible for providing for his wife and children, and the two potential spouses' relationship with their parents.

Conversations between potential mates cannot be talking just for the sake of talking. There should be a firm and clear intention of either pursuing engagement and marriage, or, if one of the two or both the man and woman feel they are not compatible, a quick end to the relationship.

This ensures both sides are safe from getting hurt more than they could in this kind of a situation and remain within the bounds of Islam, Insha Allah.

With regards to questions pertaining to a person's sexual history (for example, has s/he had a boy/girlfriend, does s/he have any type of sexually transmitted diseases), these things have to be investigated at the very beginning, when the communication for marriage begins. This is not something that should be brought up at the last stage.

Other topics that should also be discussed at the early stages include level of Islamic knowledge and practice, future career and education plans, home making skills and where the couple will live right after marriage and in the future (state and/or country).

The couple can even get a blood test to ensure both are healthy. Some states even require this before marriage.

Seeking marriage is something highly recommended in Islam. While looking for a potential mate should be something Muslims help each other with, this cannot be done at the expense of Islamic rules pertaining to modesty and respect between the sexes