One Critical Mistake A Single Muslimah Makes When Finding Her Mr. Right For Marriage Part 2

If you’re serious about really getting this concept, we’d like you do a quick exercise (without anyone’s help, just by yourself).

First part of the exercise (three questions):

1) Write down 3-5 sentences describing yourself.

2) Write down 3-5 sentences about what kind of man you are looking for.

3) Write in only one sentence what you will not consider in a man.

It is important that you know how to speak about yourself confidently. It is not humility to be unable to describe yourself, and just smile and fumble over words.

Oftentimes, when we think we are acting humbly we are actually attempting to hide our lack of self-esteem and lack of recognition of the qualities that Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) has given us to share with others.

Remember: you are not going around praising yourself; you are describing yourself for marriage. Think about it.

Now, for the second part of the exercise:

Go back and re-read your answers and ask yourself the following:

1) How true are the things I just wrote down? Is this really me? Is this how my friends and family would describe me?

2) What have I said that would be interesting to the kind of brother I am looking to meet?

As you think about the words, phrases, feelings, and qualities that you would choose, you will find that you may have some of the qualities your ‘Mr. Right’ will like and you may have some qualities your ‘Mr. Right’ will not like.

Being too personal is not a good idea. Same is true for being too professional.

Whatever the case is, the keyword you need to remember is: “balance.”

Here is the key concept, the bottom line: Learn how to speak about yourself, learn how to describe yourself in a way that allows you to be confident, and beautiful in your modesty, that will connect with the words and thoughts in the mind of your Mr. Right.

Some Muslim sisters add inappropriate, flirty photos to their profiles, which sends the wrong message and attracts the wrong kind of man
Think about how you want to present yourself — the qualities you want to highlight which matter a lot to him, not what makes you fall in love with your own self!

After all, you are looking for a husband, someone from the opposite gender (not a female friend or a buddy).

Just a side note: if you do use a picture in a marriage resume (with permission from your wali!), please do not try to look like America’s next top hijabi model like the ones you see online, and particularly on the infamous Facebook. Too many sisters try puckering their lips, looking over their shoulders with some sultry pout, etc. which turns off the kind of practicing man you are really seeking.

So, stick to a photo that has hayaa in the image; something normal and natural.

While you are searching for your Mr. Right, remember that in these moments there must be hidden gifts. As Muslims, we are to believe that there is an advantage to every situation in which we find ourselves.

Look at the time that has elapsed, and ask yourself:

“I’m not married, although I’ve been trying for a long time. What is it that Allah wants me to learn? What message, what lesson is waiting for my heart?”

We ask Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) to bless you with sabr, first and foremost, because Allah loves those who have patience, and He is close to those who have sabr.

We ask Allah to bring into your life the kind of husband you are searching for, and to allow your journey from start to finish to be a means of growing closer to Allah, finding His rahmah, and leading you to ever-increasing levels ofeman.

*******

One Critical Mistake A Single Muslimah Makes When Finding Her Mr. Right For Marriage Part 1

By Sheikh Yasir Birjas and Sister Megan Wyatt


A while ago, a father came to me for help with finding a potential husband for his daughter. So, I asked him to share her marriage resume with me.

A couple of days later, her father brought me a marriage resume. After looking through her marriage resume, which was quite long, I told the father:

“I thought you wanted me to look for a potential husband for your daughter, not a job!”

What she described in all those pages could be summarized in two letters: MD.

So, how did she really need to describe herself?

That’s the focus of this article, and that’s just one of the three critical mistakes Sister Megan Wyatt and I shared with everyone very recently in this webinar.

From my years of teaching on the topic of love and marriage, and counseling singles, married couples, and their parents, I can tell you this:

By knowing about this one critical mistake, you will, in sha Allah, learn how to speak about yourself in a way that attracts the kind of brother you are searching for, allows you to keep at bay the brothers you do not want knocking on your father’s door, and prevents you from turning off the very kind of person you are seeking.

Now, let’s get into the details of that one mistake. When Sister Megan Wyatt was conducting interviews with single Muslim sisters ages 25-30, she asked them to do the following:

“Describe yourself in a few sentences so I could in turn describe you to a brother who I think may be a potential suitor.”

Almost every sister told her what she does not want in a marriage; the kind of brother she does not want to meet. Hardly anyone actually answered the question. The few sisters who did answer gave short, one-liner responses.

The realization was this: many sisters have no idea how to present themselves.

You may be trying to get married in a way that worked in the past, while you are not like the women of the past.

Sixty to seventy years ago, even in this country, a woman’s role in marriage was clear.

Today, at the age of 19 or 20, most Muslim women expect to complete at a minimum a college degree before getting married.

Along with that degree, there is the question of whether or not you want a career, or perhaps just to dabble in the workforce for some time. Do you want to pursue grad school, and if so, who will take care of the kids, if you have any?

We are looking at this without judgment — however, there is something essential to be understood:

The majority of practicing Muslim men in the West, based on our interviews, blogs, and personal conversations with them across the country, despite growing up here are looking for a wife who will fill a more traditional role, that of a stay at home wife; and at the least to be home with future children, in sha Allah.

And we have also learned that many of you want to do just that: get married, and eventually, be there for your family and children in a more “traditional” role.

Now, many brothers are willing to be flexible to a point, but if you ask most of them their preference, this is what they want…

…leading us to that critical mistake:

Not knowing how to describe yourself for marriage.

What happens when the first thing you say about yourself, or your friend says about you is:

“She is 26 years old, and has a degree in chemistry, and she is currently in grad school.” Or, “…is working in a lab called xyz.”

From the brother’s perspective, he hears a description that says little (or nothing) about what he is looking for in a wife, aside from “educated.”

Let’s take another example:

“She is strong and active in Da’wah, is working on memorizing the Qur’an, has a degree in journalism, and teaches in her local Sunday school.”

Again, excellent qualities. It says a bit more about you, but still, for a brother: what is it that he is seeking?

The difficult reality is that brothers are looking for specific qualities, and when they hear them, it alerts them that this is the kind of sister worth considering.

But what happens if no one is describing you in a way, on your behalf, that speaks his language — that highlights the qualities he desires?

The idea of sitting around and waiting for others to find you someone is an option, but it is not necessarily the most proven option, especially these days.

Many brothers are asking other sisters to help them find a wife, because their families may be abroad, or their parents don’t share the same kind of values as them in terms of the deen.

The fact is that today both men and women are taking more of an active role in searching for a spouse on their own, which means that you may need to learn how to represent yourself to some degree — to explain who you are, and what you want in a husband.

So you need to think: How can I describe myself in a way that is truthful, while also telling him about me in a way that interests him?

So many sisters write about themselves as if they are looking for a pen pal! Seriously.

We sifted through the marriage resumes and bio-data of many sisters that we found online. (That’s another point altogether — having full access to a sister’s photo and her details available to complete strangers, without even having to log in!)

Let’s share two examples:


Many personals ads sound the same
“I currently work as a Respiratory Practitioner and I intend on pursuing my Master’s degree in Occupational Therapy. My hobbies include spending time with family and friends, taking road trips, and traveling the world. I love music and cooking ethnic cuisine! I come from a very loving, understanding, and supportive family.”

“My sister is 26 years old. She is a graduate of ABC University. Currently she is working as a chemist in a big name company. She is a great person with an open mind and a great heart. I am so glad that Allah (swt) blessed me with such a great sibiling. I love her and inshallah if you choose her you will know why she is so great. My sister, XYZ, enjoys reading and going out. She is slim and tall with a great smile. She is not a TV person. She is independent. We are 2 brothers and 2 sisters. XYZ is no. 3 in our little family. I am the older, married sister and I want to help my sister also get married so she can enjoy life like I am doing.”

We got bored reading through these. If we were searching for our own brother, we would think: “Forget this! Everyone sounds the same. Everyone likes to travel, shop, go to the cinema, eat, and everyone says they are a nice and caring person.”

So, what makes those two examples bad?

Reading through thousands of ads like that, here are just a few qualities that we found common in all of them:

•Vague
•Too long (too many details)
•Not to the point
•Confused or overconfident
•Too personal
•Too professional
•Too flirtatious
•Too good to be true
•Too girlish
•Too picky (race, culture, qualities etc.)
•Confrontational (expecting a war for rights and obligations)
•Suspicious
On the other hand, what are the qualities that are common in good descriptions or marriage resumes?

•Very realistic in self description and in spousal demands (sounds real)
•Balanced in personality and professionalism
•Family first
•To the point
•Very clear language (Accurate spelling and good choice of words)
•Natural flow of thoughts

to be continued

Can Parents Play the Race Card?

Can a parent refuse a proposal from a good Muslim for his daughter on the basis that the suitor is not of the same race/caste?

There is no concept of caste in Islam. Racial background is a fact of life. The Qur’an considers the difference of race, colour or language as signs of the creative ability of Allah: “And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and earth and the difference of your language and colours. Lo! Here indeed are signs for men of knowledge.”(Ar-Rum:22).

In chapter 49, verse 13 is the most universal doctrine of human equality and brotherhood: “Oh humankind! We have created you from a male and a female, and then rendered you into nations and tribes so that you might know one another. Indeed the most honourable among you in the sight of Allah is he who is most pious.”

There is a wealth of ahadith quoted by Al-Qurtubi in his commentary on this Qur’anic verse where the messenger of Allah condemned outright any racial impact on the Islamic society. For the very reason we come across many examples of people who, from a racial view, were not considered equal to Arab women marrying among the high tribal class. Bilal married the sister of AbdurRahman ibn Awf. Zayd was married to one of the noble ladies of the tribe of Quraysh and so on.

But customs die hard and no sooner are they abolished, they start to reappear again. Salman al-Farsi proposed to the daughter of Umar, the khalifa. He accepted. His knowledgeable, pious son and great companion of the Prophet(SAW) was upset. He complained to Amr ibn Al-Aas. Amr said, “Leave it to me and I will get him to retract from that.” When Amr met Salman he said to him, “Congratulations. It came to my knowledge that the Commander of the Faithful humbled himself and accepted to give you his daughter in marriage.” Salman felt slighted by this and thought and retorted, “By Allah, I will never accept to marry his daughter!”

Al-Hajjaj, the brute of the Ummayyad era married the daughter of Muhammad ibn Ja’far, Abdul Malik, the Ummayyad king was furious. He said to Muhammad, “You gave one of the noble of Qurayshite women to a slave from Thaqif!” and he ordered Al-Hajjaj to divorce her.

So this social attitude is very difficult to abolish outright. It does not make a difference whether the parents are well educated or unlettered. In the new environment of living in Britain the situation may ease gradually. However, young educated people who find themselves locked in such situations have to be patient to advance their case. Failing that, I would advise them to read my article, “Guardianship in Marriage’.

Investigate your Intended Partner

It is recommended for the man and the woman (or her walee' /wakeel) to investigate about his or her intended partner, making sure that she or he has the required good attributes.

When a person's advice is sought in regard to individuals that are considered for marriage, business partnership, etc, he should provide truthful and honest advice. This advice whould be limited to matters relevant to the affair in question, and should not be exceeded to other areas because that my then count as a prohibited form of backbiting.

Fatimah bint Qays, radhi Allaahu anha, reported that her husband 'Amr bin Hafs, radhi Allaahu anhu, went to a fight in al-Yaman (Yemen) with 'Ali bin Abi Taalib, radhi Allaahu anhu. While he was away, he sent 'Ayyaaash bin Abi Rabee'ah to deliver to her a third and final divorce, and he sent with him a quantity of dates and barley as a present.

She protested to 'Ayyaah and requested more support but he responded, "By Allaah, you do not deserve a support unless you were pregnant." She went complaining to Allaah's Messenger, sall'Allaahu alaihi wa salaam, and he asked her:
"How many times did he divorce you?" She replied, "Three times." He said: "He is right then-- he does not owe you any support (because the marriage was terminal)."

The Prophet, sall'Allaahu alaihi wa salaam, told her to spend her 'iddah in Umm Shareek's house, but then remembered that some of his male companions go into her house. So he said: "Spend you 'iddah in the house of your cousin 'Abdullaah ibn Umm Maktoom's. Indeed, he is a blind man, and when you remove your head-cover, he would not see you. When you complete your 'iddah, inform me."

When she completed her 'iddah, Fatimah went to the Prophet, sall'Allaahu alaihi wa salaam, and told him that both Mu'awiyah bin Abi Sufyaan and Abu Jahm asked for her hand. Allaah's Messenger, sall'Allaahu alaihi wa salaam, said: "As for Abu Jahm, he is harsh with women, and never takes the stick off his shoulder; and as for Mu'aawiyah, he is a poor man without any money. Marry Usaamah bin Zayd."
She disliked that, but the Prophet, sall'Allaahu alaihi wa salaam, repeated,  "Marry Usaamah bin Zayd."
She concluded: "Then I married Usaamah; Allaah put a great deal of good in him, and I was very happy with him."

Help I want to get Married!!!

Help! I want to get married…
(by Muslim-mum)


That’s what you hear from a lot of singletons at the moment. Where do you look for your Mr/Miss Right; Soul-mate; other half…whatever you may want to call them. Let’s face it – getting hitched is a hot topic in cosy front rooms; internet forums and even blogs like this!

It’s no longer the Aunty two doors down from you or your Uncle (who is your related to your grandfather’s mother’s cousin) that is matchmaking.

No, there is a new phenomenon. Guess where matchmaking occurs now? Personal ads, chat rooms, marriage sites and marriage events. These services can offer every age, race, sex, lifestyle and you can virtually special-order Miss Right from an endless spectrum of choices.

It eventually occurs to some people who haven’t a clue where to look, that potential wifey does not know your address or your mum’s phone number and therefore won’t be making any appearance on your doorstep anytime some, (despite your PHD and BMW parked in the driveway).

What’s quite disturbing and I hope you noticed this, is the number of so-called halal-based marriage events and web sites which have been set up since the explosion of the internet.

Every Tom, Dick and Hamzah is jumping on the band wagon hoping to offer their expert nuptual strategy for you to meet your darling “other half” and not forgetting them making a quick buck along the way just so that it keeps them motivated to do "their bit for the Ummah" so to speak.

Moving on to the subject of cost and this is where the real exploitation seems to occur. Ticket prices of events for example, are known to be in the region of £25.00 to a whopping £56.00. For the latter, I would be expecting a Michelin-standard meal in the West End. But no, it’s some naff restaurant off the Wilmslow Road offering a 3 course meal….

Organisers of events and websites (who provide matrimonial services) would argue that they have to cover overhead costs and pay themselves some sort of salary to live on. Let’s be realistic or even SANE, these types of business are a side-line to these people and not necessarily a means of running their household. And if I am wrong, they must be raking it in judging by the number of absolutely desperate people who want to settle down. I guess they would pay anything to meet a muslimah or two.

If muslims really want to help out their own muslim brothers and sisters, these services would be free – using money raised through fundraising or from their own pocket. I know I would!

Who cares about a meal? Why waste time and money…let’s get down to the crux of meeting people. It’s almost like these organisers are out of touch with what people want. Brothers and Sisters, let us remind them – you just want someone to marry. A cuppa tea and hot samosa will suffice.

Lets be frank here – the real focus of their attention is money…

…£, $, € seems to be their distraction.

Oh let’s not forget to give one final re-mention to these marriage websites…might aswell have a good dig at them now we are on a roll here…

Claiming to be halal; success stories being plastered all over their homepages to show how “what a great service we provide,” it dawned me that there are naïve sisters and brothers out there who are being sucked into a nasty world of dating; casual sex; free-mixing and all things un-islamic.

Islam places two responsibilities on to man, (1) as the “individual” and (2) as “group”. In regards to the responsibility of the individual, he takes responsibility for his own self:

"And if Allah wills He would certainly make you a single nation, but He causes to err whom He wills and guides whom He wills; and most certainly you will be questioned as to what you did." (15:93)

"Nay! man is evidence against himself. Though he puts forth his excuses." (75:14-15)

The above verse makes reference to man being responsible before Allah (swt) for his own speech, deeds and behavior. Man will be judged on the Day of Resurrection. Man is responsible for his own actions – did he exploit these to boost himself and his worldly interests. Man has been given intellect and how he has used this intellect – whether misdirected, deceiving others, or using corrupt practices.

For those that are genuine in their search, they face an uphill struggle to find that special one. Where the community; elders and even the Imaams at the masaajids have let them down, there leaves a big gaping hole where scrupulous muslims under the guise of “helping the Ummah”, are ready to plug that hole and tap into a market which is forever growing. (A credit crunch isn’t going to stop people wanting to get married).

According to my calculations, this problem isn’t going to go away any time soon and so I must stress my intent here is to enlighten, not to patronise those who go to great lengths to help our fellow muslim brothers and sisters. Your gallant efforts and unbridled enthusiasm are genuinely appreciated – although you can hear the hint of sarcasm in what I am saying.

On a final note, these singletons have yet to experience the busy suburban housewife and a husband who hates his job syndrome…but then that’s another story.