O You Who Are About to Marry, Any Last Words? Any First Words? p.1

written by abu abdAllah Tariq Ahmed

It was my pleasure to write this article at the request of Shaykh Waleed Basyouni for distribution to students in his upcoming course, Fiqh of Love, which will be taught in mid-May in Toronto, ON (sold out online, but there may be availability onsite). In addition to reviewing the article before publication, he graciously suggested that it be shared here with all of you, too. May Allah increase in ‘ilm and hiqmah Shaykh Waleed and others of His slaves who contributed, and may He overlook the faults of this piece and its author, and may He be pleased with all of us who seek His Pleasure in our marriages and married lives.

Bismillah walhamdolillah.

Allah Created. And among His unique qualities is that He Creates without precedent.

Before Allah Decreed it, there had never been a “pair” of anything. What He made could never have been imagined by any of His Creations, and what He Created was something wonderful, walhamdolillah.

He has described the husband and wife as garments for each other. Think about that — if you are unmarried something about you is fundamentally incomplete.

Allah has decreed that man and woman each has free choice. So how will you choose to complete the pair?

When you shop for your spouse, what will you look for, who will you ask, and what questions or discussions will follow? Length? Width? Color? Perhaps.

The sunnah in Islam is to find out the information that will cause you to know whether to propose to someone or accept that person’s proposal. And when you have what you need to know, then you should proceed with the proposal or else stop.

This differentiates Islamic practice from other courtship rules in as much as other rules would permit courting as entertainment, ie, dating.

If you want to take your spouse on a date, bismillah. If you want to go on a date with someone to whom you are not married, beware the evil into which shaytan would lead you.

The same discretion should enter your questions and conversations before marriage. It is perfectly reasonable to have conversations whose only purpose is to establish that you two can have an easygoing and light conversation.

Yet too many open-ended conversations might lead to affections developing, and at that point many commentators have pointed out that people’s brains switch off: at that point they see only good in the other person. One writer even said that the person in love is as unreasonable as a drunk person.

Indeed Allah does not hold us accountable for our feelings: just as the pen is lifted for the intoxicated person — but the person who is intoxicated now may find tremendous punishment for his actions while he was sober: when he had the aql to avoid drink. And in the same way, Allah may hold us to account for indiscretions committed before we fell (intoxicated) in love — blameworthy actions that led us to a state of love, actions committed when we still had the aql to avoid them.

At the same time, how the other person makes you feel is important. Indeed when the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam found out from Jaabir that Jaabir had selected a woman to marry, the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam did not first ask Jaabir if she were a pious woman. He asked if Jaabir had seen her, looked upon her. And he advised doing so until Jaabir saw what would cause him to marry. Implying that it would have been possible he might not see it, and thus might not marry. And Allah’s Decree was that he saw, and they did marry, alhamdolillah.

So we know looking is allowed and that implies that other investigation is, too, because when you observe a person you do not see them posed or on a runway, naudhobillah, like clothes in the store. You see them in life, and you observe their interactions so inquiries into those are like what you would see, permissible at least as to what could be seen.

With so many warnings in mind, you may imagine that the only conversations and questions should be about deen: “How many verses have you memorized and of how many of them have you studied the tafseer?” “What are your favorite adhkaar — in salaat — before the basmallah?” “Do you read Muslim more often, or Bukhari?”

Those questions are… odd. Let’s face it — if you are starting out with conversations like those… Who are you marrying? Your shaykh? Shaykh Waleed is already married, folks.

So which questions then should come first? Indeed, Imam Ahmed, RahimAllah, advised that questions about deen should be the very last ones a person asks. Why? For a beautiful reason: good deen beautifies a person and it is better to reject a physically beautiful woman for her ugly deen, than to reject a woman whose deen is beautiful to you for any other reason.

This principle is so strong that it may help explain why the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam re-married the daughter of Omar, Umm al Mumineen Hafsa, radi Allaho anhumaa. Jibreel alayhis salam conversed with the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam about her taqwa and ibadat after their initial divorce, and it was some time after that conversation that they remarried, alhamdolillah.

Interestingly, from the sunnah, there is also the case of Umm Salamah, also Umm al Mumineen, walhamdolillah. She was widowed and had children from her marriage. And after her iddah the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam came to her to propose marriage. And clearly no one had more beautiful deen than him, sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam.

And yet, knowing that, she was prepared to reject him — not for his qualities, subhanAllah, but for her own issues that needed reconciliation. Her children — that they should have a father who loves them. Her age — that she avoid a situation whereby her husband find her at all lacking. And her jealousy of other women — including the other wives of the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam.

And mashaAllah, this case shows us one of the keys to a successful courtship — indeed a successful courtship by the way, is one that ends in a marriage that pleases Allah. The nikah is just one moment, the exchange of a few words. And what follows the nikah is much more than just one night.

Keep that in mind: the success was more likely to come in marriage because the qualities the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam showed in his responses to her were qualities of a successful husband. Her children he promised would be just like his own to him. As for age he compared theirs as reassurance to her. And he prayed to Allah for an easing of her jealousy, walhamdolillah.

Three beautiful qualities (at least) are easy to see in the responses: accommodation, empathy, dua/taqwa/tawakkol. Okay i squeezed three qualities in there for the last example, but alhamdolillah alaa kulli haal, it is difficult to pick only a few traits from his example.

We know that Umm Salamah was a perceptive and intelligent woman — witness her advice to the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam at Hudaybiyyah. Thus she must have seen in his answers what she needed to know to accept his proposal, alhamdolillah. And indeed it was a successful marriage.

Before embarking on advice about specific questions or conversations you could have when looking for your wife or husband, reflect again on the example of Umm Salamah’s proposal and what followed: how could she have asked such good questions? She was aware of her own needs. And she knew the difference between her needs, and her wishes.

A Messenger of Allah for a husband? A wish. Her questions reflect that she knew, too, her needs. And you should, too, before you propose or respond to a proposal, wAllaho’Alim.

Otherwise, if you merely read to each other from a list of questions or conversation-topics — at best you are throwing darts in the dark wondering if you will hit something that yells out in surprise. And at worst you are ignoring the concerns that should be addressed.

6 Etiquettes of Seeking a Spouse: An Islamic Perspective

Muslim conferences and conventions (like the one being held by the Islamic Society of North America & Muslim American Society) are just one of the many places Muslims in North America often meet potential spouses either to make a decision or to initiate the marriage communication process.

Other places include fundraising dinners, regional seminars, lectures, at the home of a relative or friend, and the local mosque.

Sadly though, Islamic guidelines pertaining to proper conduct between the sexes are not always respected at these meetings.

It is not uncommon to see or hear about potential candidates meeting in private, brothers and sisters “scoping the territory” for a spouse that looks good at Muslim events like conferences or lectures, or starting up a flirtatious conversation with someone they are interested in. None of these things fall within the guidelines of Islam.

Below are some Islamic principles,both general and specific, to consider if you will be be meeting or seeking a potential spouse for yourself or someone else at a conference, lecture, the mosque or another event:

1. Ask yourself: Why am I getting married.

‘Because all of my friends are' is not a legitimate reason. This is a good question to ask even if you are meeting the person to make a final decision because it will be a reminder about the real purpose of marriage from an Islamic perspective.

Marriage, from an Islamic perspective, is part of faith and it is part of the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (saww).

As well, “my intention should be I am looking for someone with whom I will build a family,” says Muhammad Nur Abdullah of St. Louis, Missouri, a member of the North American Fiqh Council. He has conducted pre-marriage counseling in the U.S. for the last 20 years.

“Marriage is a commitment and relationship that starts in this Dunya (world) and will continue Insha Allah in Paradise together,” he adds.

2. Ask yourself: what am I looking for in a spouse.

Prophet Muhammad (saww) said: “Men choose women for four reasons: for their money, for their rank, for their beauty and for their religion, but marry one who is religious and you will succeed”.

This of course, applies to women as well.

However, religion it seems, is not always foremost in the minds of many people. In fact, it's probably the last factor on too many Muslims' list.

According to Tasneem Qadeer, one of the seven volunteers who runs the Islamic Society of North America's matrimonial service, being a doctor or a lawyer is much more important to many Muslim women than piety.

And the men are not any better. Many matrimonial advertisements for instance, demonstrate a key demand for a wife who is “fair, slim and beautiful”.

“If we want to have healthy Muslim families then Deen has to be first,” says Aneesah Nadir, Director of Social Services for the Arizona Muslim Family Health and Social Services in Tempe.

She is one of the co-developers of the program “Marriage the Islamic way”, which teaches various aspects of marriage such as how to find a spouse, the wedding and the post-wedding marriage relationship with your spouse.

3. If you're looking for a spouse lower your gaze.

This may seem like a contradiction, but it's not. Looking for a spouse who has the right qualities and whom you are physically attracted to does not mean throwing out the obligation to lower the gaze for both sexes and leering or ogling the person.

“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. That is purer for them. Lo! Allah is aware of what they do” (Quran 24:30).

“And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms...” (Quran 24:31).

“Scoping the territory”, from this perspective, would not be Islamically acceptable.

However, for the purpose of marriage looking at a potential mate is permissible (definitely with limits) according to the Hadith:

Narrated Jabir ibn Abdullah: The Prophet (saww) said: “When one of you asked a woman in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so. ...”.

This means the two potential spouses can look at each other but not ogle or stare.

There is certainly limit on the number of times the two people can look at each other, and both should fear Allah and remember the purpose of this is to build an Islamic family.

It is not permissible for a man to see a potential wife without Hijab, since he is not her Mahram (a relative with whom marriage is not possible, or legally her husband); seeing her face and hands are enough to determine attraction, although some scholars allow to see the hair as well.

4. Get someone to help

Marriage is not something to throw yourself into all by yourself. Getting the help of someone, especially parents, relatives, an Imam, and/or respected and trustworthy members of the Muslim community to either look for the right spouse and initiate and participate in a communication process is very important.

In fact, even some non-Muslims have come to see this as a more viable way of meeting someone instead of getting involved in the disappointing dating game or picking someone up in a nightclub or bar.

Involving others, by the way, does not mean signing over your right to say yes or no to a marriage proposal. It simply increases the likelihood of finding out important information about a prospective partner in a way that maintains rules of Islamic modesty (i.e. not meeting alone, see next point).

Getting that third party involved also helps verify if the person you are interested in is decent, honest and respectful. This person(s) often checks out references, asks about the individual's character and behavior, and looks out for your best interest in general.

This person should be a trustworthy Muslim, since you are seeking a Muslim in marriage, and would want someone familiar with the Islamic way of doing things.

For those blessed with Muslim parents, remember that they are probably your best allies and helpers in seeking the right husband or wife. They have known you all of your life, and have your best interest at heart.

However, parents must be open and attentive to what their children are looking for, and never forget the element of choice. Ultimately, it is their son or daughter who is going to make the final decision. They must never become too pushy or aggressive, whether this pressure is being applied on their own son or daughter, or on the person s/he is interested in.

If parents, other family members, an elderly figure or members of the community are not available, you can also try seeking a husband or wife through the matrimonial services offered by a number of different Muslim organizations.

Always ask for references

This is also where your “third party” comes in handy. Not only will they be able to be your reference. They can also check out a prospective mate's references.

A reference can include an elder who knows the brother who proposed to you, a sister who knows the woman you may want to marry well, a family friend, a boss, a co-worker, and/or business partner.

A note about honesty and references: the people you ask may know something not very nice about your prospective spouse. Remind them that if they reveal this information, they would not be backbiting from the Islamic perspective. In fact, in the case of seeking marriage, complete information should be given about an individual, both good and bad.

The advice of one of the Scholar, can help in this regard:

A man came to a Scholar and spoke in praise of another. The Scholar asked him: “Are you his nearest neighbor such that you know his goings and his comings?”

“No.”

“Have you been his companion on a journey so that you could see evidence of his good character?”

“No.”

“Have you had dealings with him involving dinars and dirhams [money] which would indicate the piety of the man?”

“No.”

“I think you saw him standing in the mosque muttering the Quran and moving his head up and down?”

“Yes.”

“Go, for you do not know him...”

And to the man in question, the Scholar said, “Go and bring me someone who knows you.”

This gives you three types of people you can ask about a prospective mate's character: a neighbor, business colleague or someone who has traveled with them.

5. When you meet, don't be alone

Rasulullah (saww) said: “Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Shaytan makes a third”.

Also, Ibn Abbas related that Rasulullah (saww) said: “Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative within the prohibited degrees”.

Meeting alone, in the hotel room of one or the other potential spouse for example, is forbidden. The two cannot be in a situation where no one else can see or hear them.

Instead, a discreet, chaperoned meeting should be set up. The chaperone, while allowing the two to talk, is in the same room, for example.

As well, parents or guardians should set a time limit, recommends Winnipeg-based social worker Shahina Siddiqui. A whole day, for example, is too long for this kind of a meeting.

6. When you speak, be businesslike and to the point.

The purpose of meeting and talking to each other must also remain within Islamic guidelines. That means no flirtatious speech of a sexual nature on either side.

Some of the topics discussed can include each other's interests, financial situation of the man, who is Islamically responsible for providing for his wife and children, and the two potential spouses' relationship with their parents.

Conversations between potential mates cannot be talking just for the sake of talking. There should be a firm and clear intention of either pursuing engagement and marriage, or, if one of the two or both the man and woman feel they are not compatible, a quick end to the relationship.

This ensures both sides are safe from getting hurt more than they could in this kind of a situation and remain within the bounds of Islam, Insha Allah.

With regards to questions pertaining to a person's sexual history (for example, has s/he had a boy/girlfriend, does s/he have any type of sexually transmitted diseases), these things have to be investigated at the very beginning, when the communication for marriage begins. This is not something that should be brought up at the last stage.

Other topics that should also be discussed at the early stages include level of Islamic knowledge and practice, future career and education plans, home making skills and where the couple will live right after marriage and in the future (state and/or country).

The couple can even get a blood test to ensure both are healthy. Some states even require this before marriage.

Seeking marriage is something highly recommended in Islam. While looking for a potential mate should be something Muslims help each other with, this cannot be done at the expense of Islamic rules pertaining to modesty and respect between the sexes

Internet Courting

The Internet is one of the newest and most powerful communication tools that were ever conceived by humanity. The average person nowadays spends many hours every week on the Internet: surfing, searching, reading, writing, learning, sinning, chatting, buying, selling, and so one. It is not surprising, then, that many individuals look for their spouses in this wonederful land! Men and women "chat", email one another, and even exchange digitized picutres!
However, our experience with courting and marrying over the Internet is very negative. We find that it involves many sinful or questionable practices, among which are the following:

1. Each indivual paints himself or herself a very unreal picture that is meant to impress the other side. One describes what he (or she) wishes to be, not what one really is! Being in a private room with a keyboard and a monitor provides a fat chance for pretence. Thus, lying and deceit are prevalent in this kind of cmmunications. Asmaa, radhi Allaahu anhan, reported that the Prophet, sall'Allaahu alaihi wa salaam, said "A person who pretends that which he does not is like one who wears two garments of deception." [al-Bukhari, and Muslim]

2.A woman's walee is normally responsible for investigating about a prospective husband's family, friends, manners, finances, etc. With Internet courting, on the ohter hand, a woman forsakes all of this and makes herself the ultimate judge, allowing her emotions and the courter's cunning to make for her one of her lifetime's most important decisions!

3. A great deal of precious time is wasted in writing polished emails and exchanging worthless "chats". Abdullaah bin Mas'ood and Abu Burazah, radhi Allaahu anhum, reported that Allaah's Messenger, sall'Allaahu alaihi wa salaam, said: "A human being's feet will not depart from before his Lord, on the Day of Resurrection, until he is questioned about five things: his lifetime and how he consumed it, his youth and body and how he utilized it, his wealth and how he earned it and how he spent it, and what he did in reagard to what he knew." [at-Tirmidhi]

4. Digitized pictures are often exchanged. This practice is largely prohibited, especially since digitized pictures can be easily and permanently stored on the computer, and electronically exchanged with other "interested" individuals.

5. In many cases, the Internet communication takes place between a man and a married woman (often with children)! Soon, the woman starts seeing her husband's mistakes well magnified, and her Internet chatter grows in her thoughts into a perfect hero that will surely save her from her miserable life with her husband. We have witnessed a number of such cases that ended in divorce, or in the woman running away from her husband's house to join the hero that she never met! Turning a woman against her husband is a great sin.

Because of the above and many other reasons, we see that Internet courting is a dangerous practice that should be totally avoided by the righteous Muslims.

It is interesting to note that, in many cases of Internet courting and marriage that the author came to handle, not even one case ended in a happy marriage and was not clear of violations to Islaam!

(author unknown)

One Critical Mistake A Single Muslimah Makes When Finding Her Mr. Right For Marriage Part 2

If you’re serious about really getting this concept, we’d like you do a quick exercise (without anyone’s help, just by yourself).

First part of the exercise (three questions):

1) Write down 3-5 sentences describing yourself.

2) Write down 3-5 sentences about what kind of man you are looking for.

3) Write in only one sentence what you will not consider in a man.

It is important that you know how to speak about yourself confidently. It is not humility to be unable to describe yourself, and just smile and fumble over words.

Oftentimes, when we think we are acting humbly we are actually attempting to hide our lack of self-esteem and lack of recognition of the qualities that Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) has given us to share with others.

Remember: you are not going around praising yourself; you are describing yourself for marriage. Think about it.

Now, for the second part of the exercise:

Go back and re-read your answers and ask yourself the following:

1) How true are the things I just wrote down? Is this really me? Is this how my friends and family would describe me?

2) What have I said that would be interesting to the kind of brother I am looking to meet?

As you think about the words, phrases, feelings, and qualities that you would choose, you will find that you may have some of the qualities your ‘Mr. Right’ will like and you may have some qualities your ‘Mr. Right’ will not like.

Being too personal is not a good idea. Same is true for being too professional.

Whatever the case is, the keyword you need to remember is: “balance.”

Here is the key concept, the bottom line: Learn how to speak about yourself, learn how to describe yourself in a way that allows you to be confident, and beautiful in your modesty, that will connect with the words and thoughts in the mind of your Mr. Right.

Some Muslim sisters add inappropriate, flirty photos to their profiles, which sends the wrong message and attracts the wrong kind of man
Think about how you want to present yourself — the qualities you want to highlight which matter a lot to him, not what makes you fall in love with your own self!

After all, you are looking for a husband, someone from the opposite gender (not a female friend or a buddy).

Just a side note: if you do use a picture in a marriage resume (with permission from your wali!), please do not try to look like America’s next top hijabi model like the ones you see online, and particularly on the infamous Facebook. Too many sisters try puckering their lips, looking over their shoulders with some sultry pout, etc. which turns off the kind of practicing man you are really seeking.

So, stick to a photo that has hayaa in the image; something normal and natural.

While you are searching for your Mr. Right, remember that in these moments there must be hidden gifts. As Muslims, we are to believe that there is an advantage to every situation in which we find ourselves.

Look at the time that has elapsed, and ask yourself:

“I’m not married, although I’ve been trying for a long time. What is it that Allah wants me to learn? What message, what lesson is waiting for my heart?”

We ask Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) to bless you with sabr, first and foremost, because Allah loves those who have patience, and He is close to those who have sabr.

We ask Allah to bring into your life the kind of husband you are searching for, and to allow your journey from start to finish to be a means of growing closer to Allah, finding His rahmah, and leading you to ever-increasing levels ofeman.

*******

One Critical Mistake A Single Muslimah Makes When Finding Her Mr. Right For Marriage Part 1

By Sheikh Yasir Birjas and Sister Megan Wyatt


A while ago, a father came to me for help with finding a potential husband for his daughter. So, I asked him to share her marriage resume with me.

A couple of days later, her father brought me a marriage resume. After looking through her marriage resume, which was quite long, I told the father:

“I thought you wanted me to look for a potential husband for your daughter, not a job!”

What she described in all those pages could be summarized in two letters: MD.

So, how did she really need to describe herself?

That’s the focus of this article, and that’s just one of the three critical mistakes Sister Megan Wyatt and I shared with everyone very recently in this webinar.

From my years of teaching on the topic of love and marriage, and counseling singles, married couples, and their parents, I can tell you this:

By knowing about this one critical mistake, you will, in sha Allah, learn how to speak about yourself in a way that attracts the kind of brother you are searching for, allows you to keep at bay the brothers you do not want knocking on your father’s door, and prevents you from turning off the very kind of person you are seeking.

Now, let’s get into the details of that one mistake. When Sister Megan Wyatt was conducting interviews with single Muslim sisters ages 25-30, she asked them to do the following:

“Describe yourself in a few sentences so I could in turn describe you to a brother who I think may be a potential suitor.”

Almost every sister told her what she does not want in a marriage; the kind of brother she does not want to meet. Hardly anyone actually answered the question. The few sisters who did answer gave short, one-liner responses.

The realization was this: many sisters have no idea how to present themselves.

You may be trying to get married in a way that worked in the past, while you are not like the women of the past.

Sixty to seventy years ago, even in this country, a woman’s role in marriage was clear.

Today, at the age of 19 or 20, most Muslim women expect to complete at a minimum a college degree before getting married.

Along with that degree, there is the question of whether or not you want a career, or perhaps just to dabble in the workforce for some time. Do you want to pursue grad school, and if so, who will take care of the kids, if you have any?

We are looking at this without judgment — however, there is something essential to be understood:

The majority of practicing Muslim men in the West, based on our interviews, blogs, and personal conversations with them across the country, despite growing up here are looking for a wife who will fill a more traditional role, that of a stay at home wife; and at the least to be home with future children, in sha Allah.

And we have also learned that many of you want to do just that: get married, and eventually, be there for your family and children in a more “traditional” role.

Now, many brothers are willing to be flexible to a point, but if you ask most of them their preference, this is what they want…

…leading us to that critical mistake:

Not knowing how to describe yourself for marriage.

What happens when the first thing you say about yourself, or your friend says about you is:

“She is 26 years old, and has a degree in chemistry, and she is currently in grad school.” Or, “…is working in a lab called xyz.”

From the brother’s perspective, he hears a description that says little (or nothing) about what he is looking for in a wife, aside from “educated.”

Let’s take another example:

“She is strong and active in Da’wah, is working on memorizing the Qur’an, has a degree in journalism, and teaches in her local Sunday school.”

Again, excellent qualities. It says a bit more about you, but still, for a brother: what is it that he is seeking?

The difficult reality is that brothers are looking for specific qualities, and when they hear them, it alerts them that this is the kind of sister worth considering.

But what happens if no one is describing you in a way, on your behalf, that speaks his language — that highlights the qualities he desires?

The idea of sitting around and waiting for others to find you someone is an option, but it is not necessarily the most proven option, especially these days.

Many brothers are asking other sisters to help them find a wife, because their families may be abroad, or their parents don’t share the same kind of values as them in terms of the deen.

The fact is that today both men and women are taking more of an active role in searching for a spouse on their own, which means that you may need to learn how to represent yourself to some degree — to explain who you are, and what you want in a husband.

So you need to think: How can I describe myself in a way that is truthful, while also telling him about me in a way that interests him?

So many sisters write about themselves as if they are looking for a pen pal! Seriously.

We sifted through the marriage resumes and bio-data of many sisters that we found online. (That’s another point altogether — having full access to a sister’s photo and her details available to complete strangers, without even having to log in!)

Let’s share two examples:


Many personals ads sound the same
“I currently work as a Respiratory Practitioner and I intend on pursuing my Master’s degree in Occupational Therapy. My hobbies include spending time with family and friends, taking road trips, and traveling the world. I love music and cooking ethnic cuisine! I come from a very loving, understanding, and supportive family.”

“My sister is 26 years old. She is a graduate of ABC University. Currently she is working as a chemist in a big name company. She is a great person with an open mind and a great heart. I am so glad that Allah (swt) blessed me with such a great sibiling. I love her and inshallah if you choose her you will know why she is so great. My sister, XYZ, enjoys reading and going out. She is slim and tall with a great smile. She is not a TV person. She is independent. We are 2 brothers and 2 sisters. XYZ is no. 3 in our little family. I am the older, married sister and I want to help my sister also get married so she can enjoy life like I am doing.”

We got bored reading through these. If we were searching for our own brother, we would think: “Forget this! Everyone sounds the same. Everyone likes to travel, shop, go to the cinema, eat, and everyone says they are a nice and caring person.”

So, what makes those two examples bad?

Reading through thousands of ads like that, here are just a few qualities that we found common in all of them:

•Vague
•Too long (too many details)
•Not to the point
•Confused or overconfident
•Too personal
•Too professional
•Too flirtatious
•Too good to be true
•Too girlish
•Too picky (race, culture, qualities etc.)
•Confrontational (expecting a war for rights and obligations)
•Suspicious
On the other hand, what are the qualities that are common in good descriptions or marriage resumes?

•Very realistic in self description and in spousal demands (sounds real)
•Balanced in personality and professionalism
•Family first
•To the point
•Very clear language (Accurate spelling and good choice of words)
•Natural flow of thoughts

to be continued

Secret Marriages

Are secret marriages allowed? Like at universities where girls or boys marry without parental consent, knowledge or approval?

The word used in the question, `secret’, is anathema to the concept of marriage which is a relationship built to secure peace, happiness and tranquillity. There are many rights and obligations resulting from agreement of marriage. These include the honour and integrity of the woman concerned, her family and relations and most importantly, offspring. In so many instances, even with use of precautions, women get pregnant. How can they face this situation? Where lies the blame? And what if the young couple tire of one another after taking what they want from one another? Who loses in such situations? That is why Muslim scholars frown upon secretive arrangements even though other basic formalities were satisfied. They argue that the Shari’ah has made it mandatory to publicise marriage in every available way. They quote a number of statements of the Prophet(SAW) to that effect. For example the statement, “There is no valid marriage without a guardian and two witnesses. Any arrangement short of that is invalid, invalid, invalid.” Another statement quoted by the Hanafi texts, “Any marriage not attended by four people is not a marriage, it is a fornication. They are: the suitors, the guardian and two witnesses.”

Scholars differentiate between two types of what is known as common marriage. Common, here, stands in contrast to well documented marriage. The first is when marriage takes place without being officially recorded. But it takes place within the family, is known among the friends and neighbours but for other reasons it is not registered. Maybe the couple are drawing unmarried benefits or whatever. This is an acceptable religious marriage even though there are unethical motives behind it.

The other type is exactly the one referred to in the question. When the two parties agree to keep it secret. They ask two friends to witness the marriage with the understanding that they do not talk about it. And they did not, I repeat, they did not register it. This does not amount to a secure, tranquil marriage. It is simply satisfying their physical need. The comment of a scholar, who was a judge before taking the chair of the Islamic Shari’ah in the Faculty of Law, Cairo University, is that “We do not condone, nor accept such an arrangement. It is far from the real concept of marriage. Families and girls’ honour should not be treated so flippantly. In my life as a judge I came across so many miserable, depressing cases resulting in acrimonious disputes. Allah’s Shari’ah has to be respectfully followed. Any so called legal fictions in this particular matter must be shunned.”

And Allah says the Truth and guides to the right way.

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“Guardianship in Marriage” by Sheikh Darsh Available from Amanah Publications FAO Ashfaq Ali, 841 Barkerend Road, Bradford, BD3 8QJ

Can Parents Play the Race Card?

Can a parent refuse a proposal from a good Muslim for his daughter on the basis that the suitor is not of the same race/caste?

There is no concept of caste in Islam. Racial background is a fact of life. The Qur’an considers the difference of race, colour or language as signs of the creative ability of Allah: “And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and earth and the difference of your language and colours. Lo! Here indeed are signs for men of knowledge.”(Ar-Rum:22).

In chapter 49, verse 13 is the most universal doctrine of human equality and brotherhood: “Oh humankind! We have created you from a male and a female, and then rendered you into nations and tribes so that you might know one another. Indeed the most honourable among you in the sight of Allah is he who is most pious.”

There is a wealth of ahadith quoted by Al-Qurtubi in his commentary on this Qur’anic verse where the messenger of Allah condemned outright any racial impact on the Islamic society. For the very reason we come across many examples of people who, from a racial view, were not considered equal to Arab women marrying among the high tribal class. Bilal married the sister of AbdurRahman ibn Awf. Zayd was married to one of the noble ladies of the tribe of Quraysh and so on.

But customs die hard and no sooner are they abolished, they start to reappear again. Salman al-Farsi proposed to the daughter of Umar, the khalifa. He accepted. His knowledgeable, pious son and great companion of the Prophet(SAW) was upset. He complained to Amr ibn Al-Aas. Amr said, “Leave it to me and I will get him to retract from that.” When Amr met Salman he said to him, “Congratulations. It came to my knowledge that the Commander of the Faithful humbled himself and accepted to give you his daughter in marriage.” Salman felt slighted by this and thought and retorted, “By Allah, I will never accept to marry his daughter!”

Al-Hajjaj, the brute of the Ummayyad era married the daughter of Muhammad ibn Ja’far, Abdul Malik, the Ummayyad king was furious. He said to Muhammad, “You gave one of the noble of Qurayshite women to a slave from Thaqif!” and he ordered Al-Hajjaj to divorce her.

So this social attitude is very difficult to abolish outright. It does not make a difference whether the parents are well educated or unlettered. In the new environment of living in Britain the situation may ease gradually. However, young educated people who find themselves locked in such situations have to be patient to advance their case. Failing that, I would advise them to read my article, “Guardianship in Marriage’.